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Propelism

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Propelism


Contents

[edit] Definition

Propelism is the worshiping of Gods to receive strength of a higher physical state and enlightenment of both the mind and spirit. The Gods we pray to represent athletes who have achieved divinity. People that practice Propelism are known as Leprop's. [DEFINITION]

[edit] Beliefs

The purpose is to become divine by practicing the good values and becoming successful in your own sport by competing.

Propelism's Vitamins

Melon - Vitamin C - Confidence

Berry - Vitamin E - Enthusiasm

Peach - Vitamin B - Persistence

Grape - Vitamin A - Anti-Crampatory

Lemon - Vitamin C + E - Vitality

Strawberry - Vitamin C + Zinc - Defense

Raspberry Lemonade - Vitamin B + Potassium - Recovery

Black Cherry - Vitamin B + Theanine - Relaxation

Kiwi Strawberry - Vitamin A + Lutein - Focus

Mixed Berry - Vitamin C + Glucosamine - Balance

Mango - Vitamin E + Ribos - Endurance

Lemonade - Vitamin A + Zinc - Metabolism

Mandarin Orange - Vitamin C + Calcium - Essential

[LEVITICUS]

[edit] Values

Propelism's values include a merit system that ranges from good qualities to bad qualities to get closer to the "Finish Line" also known as divinity.

The Good values include: sportsmanship, winning, popularity, worth, awards, merchandise, autographs, and charity.

The Bad values include: injury, quitting, cheating, bad sportsmanship, cursing other Gods, getting into a fight unless required for a sport , drug use, and greed.

One rises up in the ranks towards divinity when one shows good values. An individuals values are judged by the ultimate God. He keeps track of one's merits and decides when one is ready to compete against the Gods.

[edit] Symbols

In the symbol, there is a lightning bolt, the five Olympic rings, and sports balls. The athletic balls are tennis, soccer, volleyball, basketball, and baseball. The lightning bolt represents Propelism, the the five Olympic rings represents the place of ultimate worship, and the sports balls represent the sports within the religion. [GEERTZ]

Also, weather serves as symbols to the Leprops. Many consider weather to be a communication outside of the temples with the Gods. All stadiums that are inside have a sky light to be aware of the weather.

  • Rain symbolizes that the Gods are wishing you good luck.
  • A sunny day simply represents a good day.
  • Lighting symbolizes that the Gods think that one needs to regroup with their team or become more focused in the competition.
  • A rainbow after one's competition means that one has met the God's approval.
  • Clouds in the sky symbolize caution for the Leprops who are in competition. The Gods are warning them injury or defeat is upon them.

[Muller]

[edit] Rituals

  • Baptism
    • The Baptism is performed at temples by the child's parents. A baby is sprinkled with the Ultimate Water which is all of the vitamins combined. The only time this water is used is when a baby is baptized. After that, the parents receive water from the divinity of their sport for strength in raising their child.
  • Coming of Age
    • A person comes of age once he or she gets their first victory after reaching the age of sixteen. The parent of the new adult can hold party in their honor.
  • Marriage
    • It is encouraged that people marry within their sport, so they can have children that will play that sport. The ceremony is known as Propelamony. The ceremony is performed at the Colbert Temple in Mt. Olympus. The ceremony is performed by the divinity from the sport of the couple. In addition to exchanging rings and kissing the bride, there is a special matrimonial water that the couple is given during the ceremony. When the couple leaves the temple propel powder is thrown at them to bless the marriage.
  • Divorce
    • Since there is only one temple that performs Propelamony, the couple rarely gets divorced because of the long wait period before marriage. Divorce is looked down upon in society and there is a very long process for getting a divorce.
  • Receiving Water At The Temple
    • One goes to the temple to receive the blessing of the God they choose for what vitamin they need for that day. They must go in front of the statue of the God and recite the sacred chant (see section for Chants and Songs). Once the chant is recited, the God of that vitamin will send down the water for the Leprop to drink.
  • Before a Competition
    • In addition to receiving water from the temple, a Leprop internally prays to the God at the area they will be playing at.
  • After a Competition
    • The Leprop says an internal prayer to the God thanking them for their help.
  • The Pilgrimage to Olympia
    • The pilgrimage is a demonstration of the solidarity of the Leprops, and their belief in Propelism. It occurs from the 26th of December to 1st of January. Pilgrims join processions of hundreds of thousands of people, who simultaneously converge on Olympia, the location of the first Olympic Games, for the week of Sportsmanship, and perform a series of rituals and prayers.If Stephen Colbert determines that a Leprop has reached the point where he/she must compete against the current divinity of that sport the competition occurs during the week of Sportsmanship and is witnessed by the pilgrams. On the last day of the pilgrimage a large festival is held to honor Stephen Colbert and to commemorate his defeat of NoName.
  • Visit to Mount Olympus
    • A visit to Mount Olympus is considered to be an obligation that must be carried out at least once in a person's lifetime by every able-bodied Leprop who can afford to do so.
  • Divinity Becomes a Spirit
    • The following day of the defeat of a divinity when the sun beings to rise in the sky, the Leprops gather at their temple to light the olympic rings in memory of them. After the ceremony, the Leprops feast on whole foods and the water of the defeated God. The ceremony is over once the sun goes down.

[edit] Life Cycle

The following diagram shows the life cycle of a Leprop.

  • Ultimate God - No Leprop can reach this status. Our ultimate God Steven Colbert is only found in religious text involving the Lepropal creation story. He is never questioned or called out to compete; if one does, it is believed that the world will implode on its self from the immense force of frustration of hierarchy. No one in the history of Propelism has called on Colbert to compete because he is perfect and unbeatable. If he was not perfect, then he would not exist, but Colbert is perfect and therefore, exists [BERGER].
  • Coacha - Typically, an individual who is disabled physically and is therefore unable to compete. They, are either shunned by society and live a life of exile amongst the unmentionables or choice the path of Coacha. The Coucha are individuals that master the mental aspects of a particular game. In times of need, Propels will go to a Coaha and ask for methods, skills, ects, to help them in assistance to victory. [Going To Hell]
  • Spirit - If a divinity is defeated by a Leprop, they become a spirit. Spirits are feared, for they have lost at the very game that they love so much and become evil poltergeists often cursing talented players, inducing sickness, causing injury, equipment failure, and ruining the play conditions. Also, a spirit may possess a Leprop if they are continuously practicing bad values. Rarely does a spirit accept his lost and become a guardian spirit that protects the team and/or individual who has defeated him. [VIRABHADRA & DOUGLAS]
  • Divinity - The divine, bless the propel and often bless athletes with particular vitamins for the followers of the Leprops and watching over the competition to insure fairness and reward good competition.
  • Adulthood - This is spent competing and trying to become divine. If you defeat the divinity of your sport, you become the new God. If not, you have been defeated and die. Then, you will be reincarnated and spend the next life trying to become divine.
  • Teenage Years - These young adults spend much of their time training and competing amongst there peers. Often proteges are identified between the ages of 16-19. These individuals, usually elect to travel far distances to play in higher divisions to increase their talent and begin to gain fan support.
  • Childhood - 75% of childhood is spent observing parents and preparing for training. Often children get sent away at a young age to find and perfect there skills.
  • Birth- Children inherit talents and skills from there parents and tend to play the same athletic events as there parents. Families are considered "blessed" when both parents play the same sport and there child exceeds in that particular sport.

[edit] Hell

At the time of the creation of the Leprops there was a divinity known as Metorist. Metorist, the first Coacha, was a young ambitious leprop who wanted to please Colbert by retrieving Astana, a young women who was stolen from earth by Noname. Cunningly, Metorist was able to trick Noname by running around Noname at such incredible speeds that warped the universe together creating a blackhole, thus, creating a path for the couple to escape. Suddenly, Noname grabs the Metorist by the leg tearing his leg off and Metorist is unable to escape; heroically he throws Astana towards earth so she is not recaptured. Metorist, is therefore unable to ever to return to earth and dwells in the layer of Noname helping lost soul's return to earth. The story of Metorist has been in passed down by the family of Astana about the horrors of the layer of Noname and the heroism of Metorist.

[Going to Hell]

[edit] Divinities

The following list shows the divinities in Propelism. All temples have all ten divinities engraved on the walls.

Basketball - Micheal Jordan "MJ"

Baseball - Babe Ruth

Soccer - Mia Hamm

Golf - Tiger Woods

Tennis - Serena Williams

Volleyball - Misty May Treannor

Swimming - Michael Phelps

Track - Usain Bolt

Ice Hockey - Wayne Gretzky

Figure Skating - Will Farrell

[edit] Holidays

  • January 1 - Stephen Colbert's defeat of NoName
On this day, which corresponds with 'The First of Every Month,' the Leprops celebrate the first 12 hours of the day with their immediate family. Then, in the second 12 hours in the day, they celebrate with everyone at the temples. During those 12 hours, they say the chant to all the divinities. They also drink the holy water, eat, and watch reruns of the most famous sports games to encourage their strive for success like Colbert and the divinities.
  • January 31 - Superbowl
Even though football is not world wide, the Leprops still celebrate the Superbowl. They gather for a barbecue and lots of carbohydrates. In addition, Leprops decorate their houses and temples with lights, streamers, and balloons.
  • February 1-7 - NBA Finals
For the week of the NBA Finals, the Leprops that play basketball work extremely hard at their workouts. Some Leprops have been known to say, "Even though I'm not there, I need to pull my own weight and practice just as hard as I would play."
  • March 18- The U.S. Open (Tennis)
Instead of celebrating the event in the temples, the Leprops tend to gather outside with nature. The majority of event is celebrated with family, however at the end of the U.S. Open, all the Leprops gather together.
  • April 7 - The U.S. Open (Golf)
Similar to the Tennis U.S. Open, this event is celebrating outside by the Leprops. However, during the U.S. Open Golf, Leprops pay respect to the Golf Divinity by being silent.
  • May 8-14 -Wimbledon
This event has proven to be a favorite of the Leprops. They gather at the competition site to cheer on their fellow Leprop. At the end of the game, no matter who won, they throw flowers onto the court to show respect.
  • June 1-24 - Olympics (Entire event) - New Years
During this holiday, Leprops gather at Mt. Olympus to compete in sports, drink holy water, and eat carbohydrates. Most of the Leprops are participating in the Olympics, however there are still gatherings at temples for athletes who did not reach that level yet. They watch their fellow athletes compete on T.V. if they do not attend the ceremony. This event also commemorates the people receiving The Book of Propel from the ultimate God at the first Olympic ceremony.
  • October 14 -World Series
The World Series is celebrated lightly by the Leprops. This is when prime training time and concentration for all Leprops is at a high. However, some Leprops celebrate the event with their families in their homes. Then, at night,they chant to the divinity of Baseball.
  • November 19 - World Cup
The World Cup is celebrated heavily by the Leprops. No matter what sport a Leprop is, they seem to enjoy the game of soccer. The most important thing for a Leprop during this time is that they don't engage in alcohol.
  • Every 1st of the month - Beginning of new month

[edit] Chants or Songs

When at the temple, you must chant to receive the water.

Oh lovely God Propel, please present me with _______ today. Grant me your power. In your name, I shall make you proud.


Just before a battle against a God

(To the song of "Eye of the Tiger" - Survivor)

"It's the eye of the leprop, it's the fight of your life,

Risin' up to the challenge of our rival,

And the last known survivor is no where in sight,

And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the leprop,"


Listed below are links to songs or videos that represent parts of Propelism.


[edit] Sacred Texts

There are two sacred texts for Propelism:

  • The ESPN Sports Almanac. The ESPN Sports Alamanc is kept only at the temple. This sacred text was written by the Divine and was then approved by the Ultimate God. Each divine writes about themselves and their achievements. The ESPN Sports Almanac changes and is rewritten when there is a change in divinities.
  • The Book of Propel. This book contains all of the different combinations of vitamins for various attributes. All Leprops have the Book Of Propel at their home for individual use. The Book of Propel was written by Stephen Colbert and was given to the people at the first Olympic Games. This is not a book of historical significance; it is the word of God of what the people need to do in order to receive certain attributes [SEGAL].

[edit] Sacred Objects

Propel Water bottle

The main sacred object of Propelism is the Propel water. The vitamins prayed for are contained in this water, making it vital for our religion. The water is clear because that is when it is at its purest state and is equally as important is the bottle. The color of the bottle and cap is blue because it contains the holiness inside the bottle. If the bottle or cap was a different color, such as clear, the sacredness would escape. Also, the label is a scared object in Propelism. Each bottle has a signature color strip along the tape to further verify the vitamin you are receiving.

In addition, Leprops may hold competition tickets sacred. Especially if the competition was memorable and close, the ticket may also serve as a good luck charm. For example, if a son watches his father defeat a divinity, the son would keep the ticket for good luck. A Leprops athletic gear (cleats, skates, and sneakers) may also serve as good luck charms.

[OTTO & ELIADE, DURKHEIM & ASAD]

[edit] Profane Objects

Profane objects are any other beverage not blessed by our Gods. However, the lightest liquid is looked at as the most culturally accepted. Leprop's look down upon soda because of the carbonation. They also look down upon milk because milk is produced by a cow, which is an animal. Other profane objects are other sport drink bottles (Gatorade, Powerade, Vitamin Water). They are denominations from Propelism, so they share the same qualities. However, no other bottle has a dark bottle cap and bottle to preserve the vitamins. [OTTO & ELIADE]

[edit] Myths and Stories

[edit] Creation

  • The Creation story of Propelism tells the story of two enemy Gods. These Gods were competing in a contest which immediately became violent. The two gods began to fight each other and the universe shook violent. The fight climaxed when the two gods both picked up enormously sized stars and threw them at each other. The two stars collided in mid air with such a powerful force that the entire universe, along with the earth, was created. During the explosion, the prevailing good God went uninjured while the losing god suffered from permanent blindness. In a jealous rage the losing god blindly throws meteorites through out the universe in an pathetic attempt for revenge. It is the duty of the winning god Stephen Colbert, to protect the solar system from these attacks. The losing god is never mentioned in religious text and is often referred to as Noname/USSR.
  • Another valid creation story is when Stephen Colbert won against NoName, he celebrated by creating man. However, The book of tie, tells a story that states NoName created man in revenge of Stephen Colbert. NoName's creation of man was in attempt to take over the world. [GENESIS & MANU CREATION]

[edit] Meteoshost

  • Approximately every ten years, NoName throws rocks at the earth in fit of rage. On the fiftieth meteor shower, NoName purposely threw a meteor and hit a Leprop's temple [BUDDHIST NUNS]. Not only did he destroy it, but the casualties usually enter the 7,000 + range. This event historically has caused the Leprops to lose faith in Propelism and their Gods, leading to the emergence of different denominations of Propelism.

[edit] Terrorist Attack

  • The Vitamin Water domination feel oppressed by the Leporp's and feel that Propelism is not the true religion. They decide to poison their holy water, to get rid of the sinners. It is unknown how they were able to do this. They poisoned 5,000 Leporp's [9-11].

[edit] Scared Animals

  • The Leprops think that the horse is the most scared animal. They admire the lean muscles and prized stature. Killing a horse is forbidden by a Leprop, however, on the first of the month, Leprops gather and kill and eat a horse. After the ceremony is complete, they say a prayer and mourn the death. In addition, the Leprops honor the Ultimate God by scarficing the horse. [FREUD]

[edit] Denominations, Sects or Movements

There are three different denominations of Propelism: Gatorade, Powerade, and Vitamin Water. The denominations evolved out of Propelism after the 50th meteor shower. (See Myths & Stories for details)

  • Gatorade
    • Gatorade was the first denomination developed after the Meteoshost. The bottles used for their sacred water is colored and therefore not sacred in the Propelism religion. In addition, the bottles are clear, which lets out the vitamins in their water. Also, the orange cap makes Gatorade the closest religion to Propelism. However, Leprops still think of Gatorade as not culturally accepted.
  • Powerade
    • Powerade was another denomination that came out of the Meteoshost event. The bottles used in Powerade are clear letting out precious vitamins. In addition, the cap is black which is looked down upon because it signifies NoName. Lately, Leprops have been concerned about the Powerades and their possible worship of NoName.
  • Vitamin Water
    • Out of all the denominational religions, Vitamin Water is the least sacred. The bottle and cap are both clear, which lets all the vitamins escape from the bottle. That is why it is rumored that Vitamin Water tastes watered down.

[edit] Temples

Every town has a temple which has all the Gods carved into the walls. The temples also have an engraving of the symbol, the olympic rings, on the front of the temple near the entrance. The temple is where the Leprops receive their water. To show the God that one appreciates his or her previous skills, a Leprop must chant to that god. Then, the god will provide him or her with the appropriate amount of water they need. The water is not sent down or blessed by any one other than the Gods. The water gets to the temple by the transcending down from the God through the heavens.

Also, South is the most holy place because it is closest to the good God's (Stephen Colbort) finger. North is the least holy place because it is father away from main God. With South being the most holy and the North being the least holy, it makes the equator the most liminal space because it is between the two.

The Leprop's receive their income from the temple according to the number of wins they have along with whether they follow good values. Everyone in Propelism that has reached adulthood receives a income no matter their achievements of $30,000. Everyone must give 10% of their incomes to the Coacha Foundation distributing to the Coachas in society.

[edit] Glossary

  • Propel - the holy vitamin water used in Propelism
  • Leprops - practitioners of Propelism
  • NoName - God that lost the battle who now throws meteors
  • Stephen Colbert - God that won the battle and now balances the earth
  • Mount Olympus - name of the holiest temple
  • Meteoshost - meteor shower that occurs every ten years in memory of NoName's lost
  • Ultimate Water - all the water and vitamins combined
  • Metorist- The first Coacha. Savor of Astana
  • Propelamony- the marriage ceremony of two Leprop's performed at Colbert Temple.

[edit] Links

Retrieved from "http://religion.wikia.com/wiki/Propelism"