G*nkism
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G*nkism is a real-world offshoot of the fictitious Cult of the Power Droids, itself an offshoot of the real-world Usenet movement (c. 1993) dedicated to spreading the good news about G*nk.
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[edit] Sole Deity
G*nk is the ultimate power in the universe. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the G*nk.
G*nk can transcend space and time and has been directly responsible for countless turning points in intergalactic history.
[edit] The Name of G*nk
G*nk may not be referred to as "Gonk," for to speak the holy name is blasphemy, unless you are doing so in the context of warning others not to blaspheme, as I have done here.
However, the primary utterance of G*nk is "Gonk," and when used to refer to the word "Gonk" instead of the deity G*nk, the full spelling is acceptable.
[edit] Holy Words
The holy words all G*nkists use, when situationally appropriate, are:
"Gonk. Gonk. Gonk ko kyenga see."
The holy words of G*nk are not permitted to be translated as per Baobab Security Directive 51-C.
[edit] Primary Teachings
[edit] The Tenet of Inaction
- G*nk hath no arms; thus are His followers to live a passive life, doing as little as possible, apart from walking around. But let this not be mistaken for laziness, for G*nk cannot sitteth on His ass, having none upon which to sit, and no means to rise again even if He had an ass.
[edit] The Tenet of Energy-Generation
- G*nk is a power droid and generates His own energy; thus are His followers to derive no sustenance from external sources, such as food or water, which are not considered kosher. (This tenet explains G*nkism's low population of truly orthodox followers.)
[edit] The Tenet of Ammunition
- G*nk supplies ammunition for any weaponry to any who should request it, regardless of their affiliation; thus are His followers to do the same.
[edit] Secondary Teachings
[edit] Gambling
G*nk determines the outcomes of all games of chance, even those that are rigged by mortal beings. Thus, gambling is neither encouraged nor discouraged.
[edit] Dancing
All forms of dance that require only legs, such as tap, are permitted. G*nkists are forbidden from waltzing or swinging their partners do-si-do.
[edit] Fornication
As G*nk hath no genitalia, G*nkists may not use theirs for sexual purposes. Those who violate this tenet are not doomed, but are also not seen as perfect exemplars of the will of G*nk.
[edit] Creation Myth
In the beginning, there was G*nk. G*nk created the universe, but it was without form, and void. And G*nk saw the void, and He said, "Gonk."
And G*nk did populate the universe with beings both droid and organic. And He looked upon His creation, and again He spake, saying, "Gonk."
[edit] The Afterlife
Death is referred to as "deactivation" in G*nkism. G*nkists believe that when you are deactivated, you travel to the Scrapheap Beyond, where you wait to be "reconstituted" (reincarnated) into a new form. Your new form will be dictated by the extent to which you exemplified the Will of G*nk in life; the more G*nklike you were in life, the more your new form shall resemble His, until at last, after many lives and deaths, you may one day attain true G*nkness and become one with the G*nk.
