Baaarism
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[edit] Goal
To emancipate the mind through the consumption of alcohol and achieve a spiritual connection to Bacchus.
(ref. Definition)
[NOTE: While religionists interpret and explain Baaarism as stated above, social scientists differ greatly on their interpretation and explanation of Baaarism. Religionists and social scientists both answer the same four questions: meaning, truth, origin, and function; however, they answer them differently. Both sets of scholars show that reductionism is unavoidable, and that everyone who attempts to define Baaarism is using a reductionist defintion, including the social scientists.]
(ref. Segal)
[edit] Creation
- Bacchus created the world. He created living beings and plants. Bacchus was happy with his creation, but was lonely and wanted to create something that would "stick out" and that people would remember him for. He decided to create grapevines. These grapevines were very sacred, to most it was considered extraordinary on Bacchus' part. He was happy watching the grapes grow and spread, but soon he again became lonely because the animals he created did not appreciate the grapevines. Because of this, Bacchus decided to create humans, in his own image, to grow and enjoy the grapevines and grapes. Bacchus was happy with his new creation and knew that at some point he would share with man, the understanding and knowledge of creating wine. This, Bacchus knew, would bring man even closer to him. (See Myths for wine discovery)
(ref. Berger)
- Bacchus created the world. He created living beings and plants. Bacchus was happy with his creation, but was lonely and wanted to create something that would make him happy. He decided to create humans in his own image. He was happy watching the humans on earth, but saw that the lives of humans were meaningless and short. Because of this, Bacchus decided to create grapevines for the humans to cultivate and gain a sense of purpose. Bacchus was happy with his new creation and knew that at some point he would share with man, the understanding and knowledge of creating wine. This, Bacchus knew, would bring man even closer to him. (See Myths for wine discovery)
- [NOTE the opposition of these two articles is often ignored by members of Baaarism. Most believe the inconsistencies to be the result of two different sources for the creation stories. The first is thought to originate in the Mediterranean region where grapes grow naturally (hence the idea that they grew long before man) and the second story is thought to originate in Africa where grapes only survive the hot, dry climate because of man's cultivation (hence the idea that man was created first).]
(ref. Genesis)
[edit] History
One day, a Greek civilian named Noah ventured into the woods in search of water for his family that was on the verge of dying due to dehydration. While in the woods, the God of Wine named Bacchus appeared to Noah and told him to take the grapevine located beside him and squeeze the grapes from it into the water pale that Noah had been carrying with him when he first ventured into the woods. Bacchus told Noah to taste the liquid substance in his water pale. Noah did as Bacchus said and drank the liquid from his pale. After enjoying his drink, Noah asked Bacchus what the liquid substance was. Bacchus told Noah that the substance was wine. Bacchus went on to tell Noah that the wine will help bring an end to care and worry in his life. In order to fully live a life free of care and worry, Bacchus gave Noah his 10 Commandments. Before Noah left the woods to return home, Bacchus told Noah to return home to share his knowledge of wine-making and Bacchus's 10 Commandments with other humans, so that they too can bring an end to care and worry in their lives.
Doing as Bacchus had said, Noah returned home to his family and shared his wine-making skills with them. His family drank of the wine and no longer had the feeling of dehyradation, but felt free of care and worry. Also, Noah showed his family the 10 Commandments that Bacchus had given. He told his family that Bacchus said "to share the knowledge of wine-making and follow my Commandments with others, so that they too can bring an end to care and worry in their lives."
(ref. Manu)
Throughout the next years, many people in Greece learned about Bacchus's 10 Commandments and how to make wine. Once an individual attained the information themselves, they felt it was their mission to spread the news of Bacchus, The God of Wine, to anyone who wanted to live a life free from care and worry. In the early 1900's this practice centered around Bacchus's 10 Commandments in Greece became known as Baaarism.
However, in 1920, King Lycurgus took the throne in Greece. He did not like the idea of Baaarism whatsoever, because he felt he could not have control over the people of Greece, since they had no cares or worries. Therefore, the people would never feel threatened by him, which was his intention. He wanted to gain control over the people of Greece, so that he could formulate a military to help him take over the rest of the world. In an attempt to demolish the religion of Baaarism, King Lycurgus started a period of Prohibition in the entire country of Greece. Due to Prohibition, the making or consumption of wine was banned nationally by the 18th Amendment to the Greek Constitution. Over 1250 servants of King Lycurgus were given the duty of enforcing the law. Many civilians of Greece were outraged by this new law. They felt that wine was a gift from Bacchus; therefore, they should be allowed to consume it. Due to the outlaw of wine; therefore, the outlaw of the religion of Baaarism, many speakeasies were setup in Greece to provide a way for individuals to make and drink wine. An individual could detect a speakeasy by looking for Bacchus's 10 Commandments posted behind the counter where the bartender presided.
In 1933, King Lycurgus was impeached from the throne due to a weird disease he had developed called Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, which affected his visual perception. The next King to take the throne was King Araba. King Araba was a kind man who actually had taken part in the Baaarist religion before it was outlawed. He knew how many people believed in Bacchus and his teachings. Therefore, toward the end of 1933, King Araba repealed the 18th Amendment of the Greek Constitution with the 21st Amendment, which stated that individuals of Greece could make and consume wine. Due to the 21st Amendment, Baaarism could once again be recognized as a religion in Greece. People of Greece cold now spread the good news of Bacchus and his teachings freely.
Today, Baaarism is recognized as a religion not only in Greece where it first originated, but all across the world. Like all religions, Baaarism has changed over time; however, its practices and beliefs are still centered around the original 10 Commandment's that were given to Noah by Bacchus. Even though Baaarism may be practiced slightly different across the globe, every individual is fully aware that Bacchus is their one, true God who always was and always will be in power above all creation on Earth. Due to its recent changes by venturing over to America, Baaarism not only allows the consumption of wine, which is the main alcoholic drink dubbed by Bacchus, but, beer and other liquors are also other acceptable forms of alcohol. No matter what alcohol an individual chooses to drink, they can still achieve a connection to Bacchus if they truely believe in him.
(ref. Asad)
Aside: Religous scholars have divided individuals who participate in the religion of Baaarism into two groups: the Party Baaarists and the Relaxation Baaarists. The Party Baaarists spend most of their time in the holy bars constantly achieving a spiritual connection to Bacchus and spreading the news about Baaarism to organizations who want to outlaw drinking (the nonbelievers). These Baaarists will take aggressive action to spread the beliefs and rules of Baaarism to the nonbelievers, sometimes even resulting in their own death. However, the Relaxation Baaarists enjoy a nice, cold drink every day or on the weekends when they want to achieve a spiritual connection to Bacchus. The struggle they are having concerning their beliefs occurs on the inside, not on the outside like the Party Baaarists. Relaxation Baarists are fighting a struggle against their own shortcomings that inhibit their connection to Bacchus. Both Party Baaarists and Relaxation Baarists can be found in the designated holy bars across the globe.
(ref. Jihad/Martyrdom)
[edit] Symbols
The main symbol of Baaarism is the grapevine, which symbolizes the knowledge of wine-making and the consumption of wine that Bacchus taught Noah when he appeared to him in the woods. The grapes and leaves within the circle represent the grapevine that Bacchus, The God of Wine, created in order to give man a sense of purpose--the understanding and knowledge of creating wine. Also, the outside circle of the symbol represents the world. While in the woods, Bacchus appeared to Noah and told him to share his knowledge of wine-making and Bacchus's 10 Commandments to other humans, so that they can bring an end to care and worry in their lives. Due to Noah and other individuals who spread the message, Baaarism has now become a globally accepted religion and its symbol is recognized and understood by many individuals worldwide. (ref. Geertz)
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[edit] Sacred Texts
[edit] Commandments
1 - Do not put any other gods before me.
2 - Do not drink for emotional reasons; only to honor me.
3 - Do not use my name in vain.
4 - Keep the Sabbath holy. You must drink on special days (birthday, new year, etc.).
5 - Honor your mother and father by taking a shot in their name each time you drink.
6 - Do not put someone else' life at risk when drinking (ex. Do not drink and drive).
7 - Do not drink tequila on St. Urho's Day.
8 - Do not walk out on a tab.
9 - Do not flag your neighbor.
10 - Do not get jealous that your friend ordered a better tasting drink than you.
[edit] Bar Rules
1- Do not make eye contact with the prophet unless you intend on getting a drink.
2- If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
3- Always toast before doing a shot.
4- Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
5- Change your toast at least once a month.
6- When the prophet is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
7- Get the prophet's attention with eye contact and a smile.
8- Never tell a prophet he made your drink too strong.
9- If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
10- Try one new drink each week.
11- If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the prophet until he stops acknowledging you.
12- It's okay to drink alone.
13- If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
14- If there is ever any confusion within the bar, the fuller beer is yours.
15- Empty glasses should be replaced immediately by a new beverage.
16- Glasses should rest a safe distance from the table's edge, usually about 2 inches at least.
17- Glasses should be held with the off-hand (left hand for a right-hander) with the pinkie raised off the glass.
18- If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
19- If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
20- If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store
[edit] Beliefs
[edit] Main Beliefs
- Bacchus is the liberator of the human soul and connection to him is only possible through alcohol.
- The bar is the holy place of Bacchus and place of spirituality. His spirit actually resides within the walls of the bar. (ref. Buddhist nun)
- The prophets are the head of bars responsible for the mixing and serving of alcoholic beverages.
- While drunkenness is the essence of spiritual connection, blacking out is disrespectful to Bacchus. Prophets have the ability to stop serving an individual when they believe the person to be beyond the point of drunken spirituality.
- The sacrament of alcohol should only be consumed by individuals over the age of 21. Drinking before this age is highly frowned upon.
- The word Baaar was originally understood to mean without care or worry in an ancient dialect of those worshiping Bacchus. Over time this became the word bar and, in places like America, became representative of the establishments serving alcohol. (ref. Muller)
[edit] Afterlife
- After death, those following the commandments of Bacchus will live forever in paradise with Bacchus. In paradise, individuals live without concern, worry, or fear with constant access to an open bar. Those not following the commandments of Bacchus; however, live eternally in the desert of the disbelievers with only warm non-alcoholic drinks. In this desert the individuals are forced to face everlasting fear and worry without the comfort of Bacchus and alcohol.
(ref. Going to Hell)
- Bacchus has been known to use blacking out as way to remind humans of the consequences of the desert. Some individuals, during black outs, have actually reported going to the desert and experiencing the horrible fear and worry without comfort. They've used these experiences to warn others of the consequences of not following Bacchus' commandments.
(ref. Zombies)
[edit] Places of Worship
Holy bars denoted by the symbol of the grapevine on or near the door.
(Today, partaking in one's home is also widely accepted.)
[Note: Years ago, Baaarism was only recognized as an ultimately social religion, because it was only practice within holy bars where many people gathered. Holy bars were designated as the place of worship, because they were considered sacred. On the other hand, partaking in one's home was considered profane, or simply not sacred. However, due to an overcrowding at the holy bars and impersonators of the religion, Baaarism was allowed to be practice in one's home. Today, the holy bars are still considered the most sacred place to partake in the religion; however, one's home is now considered sacred and acceptable.] (ref. Durkheim)
[edit] Rituals
[edit] Bardrinksva
- Bardrinksva is the coming of age ritual for all believers the night they turn 21. At midnight elders take the 21 year-old to the bar where they receive the stamp of Baarism and admission to the bar. Upon entering the bar, the inductee is welcomed as a complete member of the faith and is given drinks by the elders. The elders also educate the inductee about the rules of the bar and mentor them in the religious beliefs. As time goes by and the inductee drinks more and more, they are overcome with spirituality and connectedness with Bacchus. The state of drunkenness is the highest level of connection with Bacchus and inductees should not continue drinking past this point as blacking out is against the way of Bacchus. After drunkenness and spiritual connection have been achieved, usually around 2am, the elders help the inductee home to bed. The following morning the inductee wakes up with a hangover, Bacchus' way of having members of the faith remember their spiritual connection from the night before.
(ref. Virahadra)
[NOTE: This is how the ritual exists in America. As noted in the history section, Baaarism has changed slightly over time and practices vary throughout the world. Ages of celebration and exact procedures vary in different countries and regions of the world.]
[edit] The Ritual of Drinking
"Shaken not stirred" The reason for stirring a martini is to prevent the gin from becoming “bruised." The ritual implies sophistication and wealth, and only the truly sophisticated would know why you do not shake the martini. W. Somerset Maugham, a prophet of Bacchus, stated that "martinis should always be stirred, not shaken, so that the molecules lay sensuously one on top of the other. Shaken martinis were more effective in deactivating hydrogen peroxide than the stirred variety, and both were more effective than gin or vermouth alone." This means shaken martinis are a superior antioxidant, which is good for a person's health.
"Serving Ritual of Wine" To begin, you are first presented with the bottle by the server. Next, you use the cork to remove the cap. You then swirl the glass or wine, smell the glass, and eventually sip the wine. The wine cork is presented to check to see if your wine is corked (containts 2,4,6-trichloroanisole) Also, the point of swirling the glass is to introduce oxygen into the wine so more aroma can escape and you can see the alcohol lacing.
"Lick, Shoot, Suck" A common ritual for drinking shots of tequila beings with a lick of salt. Following the shot, you then chase the tequila with a lime.
[NOTE: some Baaarists perfer to replace the salt and lime with cinnamon and an orange slice.]
(ref Leviticus)
[edit] Drinking Games At the Bar
"1-2-3"
Three players, one dice. The first person to role a 6 "names the drink," the second to role a six drinks the named drink, and the third person pays for it.
"Pong"
Involves beer cups set up in a particular formation on rectangular pieces of wood (which resemble ping-pong tables). Two teams take turns to be the first one to toss the ping pong balls into all of the other teams cups. When the other team knocks out one of your cups, a member of your team must drink the alcohol from the cup. Rules Vary.
"Flip Cup"
There are at least four people on each of the two teams. They are lined up on each side facing each other, each person having one cup of beer each filled anywhere from 1/4-1/2 full. The "starter" faces his opponent, cheers with him, and chugs a beer. Next he must put his cup right side up on the table with it hanging off the edge just barely. Using your hands or fingers you must flip the cup on its top (half a rotation). After one person has completed the cycle, the next person in line may go. The team that finishes first wins.
[edit] Holidays
21st Birthday Initiation/Bardrinksva (see rituals)
St. Urho's Day March 16- St. Urho is the legendary saint of Finnish Americans and became widely known when he drove the grasshoppers out of Finland, thus saving the grape crop. This feast is celebrated by wearing the colors Royal Purple and Nile Green, and the saint is most commonly portrayed with a grasshopper on a pitchfork.
Oktoberfest Late September- Oktoberfest honors the 1810 royal wedding of Crown Prince Ludwig of Bavaria to Princess Therese. Today, Oktoberfest has become the biggest public celebration in the world, attracting about 6 million visitors who consume 1.5 million gallons of beer.
St. Patrick's Day March 17- St. Patrick, the saint of Ireland, drove the snakes out of the Emerald Isle, and expelled all vestiges of sobriety from the rest of the Western World. He now spreads good cheer on March 17th, which was the day he died in 460 A.D. On this day, Irishmen of all ethnicities celebrate by consuming vast quantities of Guinness, Harp, and anything else in a glass or bottle.
St. Arnold - Patron Saint of Brewers August 16- The patron saint of brewers is the Austrian, St. Arnold, Bishop of Metz, who died in 540. Arnold encouraged people to drink beer and not water; sound advice in the days of pox, vermin and plague. He was fond of blessing the brew kettles, and once ended a plague by dipping his crucifix in one. When Arnold's body was transported to its grave, mourners stopped to quench their thirst, but found only one mug of beer left. They all drank enough to satisfy themselves, but the mug never emptied. Many believe St. Arnold is to honor for that miraculous doing.
St. Stephen's Day December 26- St. Stephen was the first Baarism martyr, and was stoned to death in 36 AD. Supporters of St. Stephen are encouraged to celebrate the Feast of St. Stephen as the first beer holiday In Ireland. As the legend goes, St. Stephen was hiding out from a mob, but was found due to the chirping of a critter. Following this, he was stoned. On this day, young children are encouraged to kill a critter, and parade the body from door to door, asking for money to bury the critter. Funds collected are used to throw a party for the village, where then they perform a critter dance.
St. David's Day March 1- St. David is the patron saint of Wales. A sixth-century monk, David spread Baaarism throughout western Britain. However, he only drank water, Welshmen the world celebrate his feastday, March 1, by drinking beer. It is also customary to wear a leek (see glossary) on this occasion.
[edit] Bacchus Parade
February 14, a day to celebrate Bacchus, who showed followers how to cultivate grapevines to make wine. The parade was founded in 1968, and has continued through history. Followers compete to build the best float, and parade through the travel route, which starts on the corner of Napolean Avenue in New Orleans.
See link for more information: http://www.kreweofbacchus.org/html/route.htm
[edit] Myths
[edit] The story of wine:
Jesus and the mother of Jesus, Mary, were attending a wedding in Cana of Galilee. During the wedding, Mary went over to Jesus and informed him that there was no wine left and asked him to fetch more wine. Then, Mary spoke to the servants and told them to do whatever Jesus tells them. Jesus told the servants to fill up six jars with water and take them to the headwaiter. When the headwaiter had tasted the water from the jar, it was no longer water, but wine. Not knowing where the wine came from, the headwaiter approached the groom and told him that usually the good wine is served at the beginning of weddings. But, the headwaiter told the groom that he had kept the good wine until now.
[NOTE: Many followers of the Christian religion believe that Jesus created wine, because of the story of the Wedding in Cana from John 2:1-9 in the Holy Bible. However, in the passage it does not say that Jesus created wine for the first time, it only says that he made wine from water. The truth of the matter is that Bacchus, the God of Wine, was the first person to create wine. (see History)
[edit] Noah
God told Noah that a flood was going to come that would destroy all life on Earth. He told Noah to build an ark and take 2 of each animal (1 male and 1 female) and put them in the ark. Noah did as God told him too and sure enough a flood came and destroyed all life on Earth, except for everything that was in Noah's Ark. After the flood, God formed a covenant with Noah and as a sign of His covenant, he set a rainbow in the sky.
[NOTE: Many followers of the Christian religion believe that Noah built an ark and a great flood came and destroyed all life on Earth, because of the story from Genesis 6-9 in the Holy Bible. However, when the passage was translated many times from Hebrew to Greek to English, Noah's name was misconstrued. Noah translated to Greek is nOua and then translated to Hebrew is דמות תנ"כית; שם פרטי. Unforunately, this Hebrew writing does not match the writing found in the original Hebrew Holy Bible. Therefore, the original person who built the ark was not named Noah, but something else. The person named Noah is actually seen in the religion of Baaarism. In this religion, Noah ventures into the woods where he encounters Bacchus, the God of Wine. (see History for the story of Noah)
[edit] Hymns & Sayings
[edit] Hymns
Bitter Wine by Bon Jovi
"Once you were my inspiration, but, that river's run dry What was once holy water, tastes like bitter wine"
Blood Red Wine by the Rolling Stones
"I got red blood, and I got blood red wine Which I bring you, when the snow is heavy on the ground "
Champagne Supernova by Oasis
"Some day you will find me caught beneath the landslide In a champagne supernova - A champagne supernova in the sky"
Two More Bottles of Wine by Delbert McClinton also Emmylou Harris
"my baby moved out and left me behind But it's all right 'cause it's midnight and I got two more bottles of wine"
Old Red Wine by The Who
"Old red wine, not worth a dime; we'll have to finish it after crossing the line."
Bottle of Wine by Tom Paxton
"Times getting rough I ain't got enough To buy me a bottle of wine"
Bottle of Red Wine by Eric Clapton
"Get up; get your man a bottle of red wine. Get up; get your man a bottle of red wine."
[edit] Sayings
There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.
- Ben Franklin, one of the first American believers and devout follower of Baaarism
Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.
- Common saying and practice within Baaarism
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
- W.C. Fields, a believer of Baaarism during the difficult days of Prohibition
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra, believer of Baaarism
Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion.
- Ovid, an early adherent to Baaarism
He’s a fool who give over the liquor, It softens the skinflint at once, It urges the slow coach on quicker, Gives spirit and brains to the dunce.
The man who is dumb as a rule Discovers a great deal to say, While he who is bashful since Yule Will talk in an amorous way.
It’s drink that uplifts the poltroon To give battle in France and in Spain, Now here is an end of my turn- And fill me that bumper again!
- Irish toast to Baaarism and the blessings of alcohol
[edit] Pilgrimage
The Baaarism pilgrimage should take place once every year. The journey will begin in Charleston, South Carolina at the Southbend Brewery. Southbend brewing company was the first brewery to open in the port city of Charleston. The city is one of the country's oldest dating back to 1670. The second destination is Lynchburg, Tennessee, home of the Jack Daniel's Distillery. The distillery was founded in 1875 and is the oldest whiskey producer in the United States of America. After visting Tennessee and tasting it's infamous whiskey, it's on to Chicago, Illinois. Al Calpone, a famous alcohol bootlegger during the prohibition period (1919-1933), had homes all over the Southside of Chicago. You will visit his hideout on the outskirts of town where most of the beverages passed through before entering the metropolis. After visiting Capone's residence, you will travel to the Voodoo Brewing Company. The Voodoo brewery is located in Erie, Pennsylvania. This brewery is famous for its Black Magic and its attempts to summon the dark forces through the consumption of their alcohol. The last leg of the pilgrimage is to travel to the Yuengling Brewery in Pottsville, Pennsylvania. Founded in 1829, the Yuengling Brewing Company is the oldest brewery in the United States.
1) Southbend Brewery Location Charleston, South Carolina 2) Jack Daniels Distillery Location: Lynchburg, Tennessee 3) Al Capone’s Rum Running Hideout Location: Chicago, Illinois 4) Voodoo Brewing Company Location: Erie, Pennsylvania 5) Yuengling Brewery Location: Pottsville, Pennsylvania
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[edit] Glossary
- Bacchus- liberator of the human soul, and originator of Baaarism
- Bacchus's 10 Commandments- set of rules that all individuals who practice the religion of Baaarism follow and live their lives by
- Bacchus Parade- celebration in honor of Bacchus
- Bar - the holy place of Bacchus, where believers go to worship and connect with Bacchus
- Bartender - the prophet of Bacchus, responsible for making and serving the sacrament of
- Ben Franklin- one of the first American believers and members of Baaarism
- Frank Sinatra- believer of Baaarism
- Grapevine- sacred symbol which denotes holy bars
- King Lycurgus- king who took over the throne of Greece and started a period of Prohibition in the entire country
- King Araba- king who took over the throne of Greece after the impeachment of King Lycurgus and allowed individuals to make and consume wine
- Noah - a Greek civilian of whom Bacchus appeared to and gave him the knowledge of wine-making and his 10 Commandments
- Ovid- an early adherent to Baaarism
- St. Urho- Saint of Finnish Americans
- St. Patrick- Saint of Ireland
- St. Stephen- First Baaarist martyr
- St. Arnold- Saint of Brewers
- St. David- Saint of Wales
- W.C. Fields- believer of Baaarism during the difficult days of Prohibition
